Update

I started acupuncture in an attempt to break my cycle of addiction. My first time was amazing and I stayed away from sugar and over-eating for the next four days, which is a lot for me. Then my period struck and my spouse requested a sweet. It was too much to resist. The night ended with endless brownie sundaes. I juiced for work the next day feeling nauseas and guilty. At the end of the day, I walked into the kitchen starving and finished the brownies sitting on the counter. I would have finished the gallon of ice cream too, but that had been taken care of the night before. The next day, last night, I had a crisis when I found out a pitcher I loved, cannot afford to replace that we got as a wedding gift, broke. This crisis was eventually mitigaed with a walk and carrot cake with vegan cream cheese icing. I fought fullness to the bitter end, way beyond my husband's sugar coma. I rationalized the ordeal because of my crisis, my period and my vow to quit sugar, once and for all on September 1st. 6 Months to 30. 3 months to Christmas. I will be skinny and sugar free. Sick, sick me. Why do I play these games?

Now my in laws are about to arrive in town. Any time we have visitors life turns into a party for us. It's your vacation and ours. And partying hard, to my husband and me, means eating our assess off, no holds barred. Fortunately for him, my husband can get away with it. He's rail thin, muscular, un-addicted to sugar and doesn't share my abusive mind. My dilemma is that I don't want to make a vow that I can't keep. I also don't want to be un fun. I want to say yes to Chocolate cake. But the fact is, one slice of chocolate cake is never enough and worrying about where my second slice is coming from is as miserable as not having chocolate cake at all. Almost.

I guess I'll keep trying, stock up on peaches, tea and make time for acupuncture tomorrow. I don't have to be un-fun. I can be fun with out sugar, booze, cigarettes, pot and every other crutch known to man. I CAN!

Putting the fun back

The last year or so I got way too caught up in eliminating certain "bad" foods. I had an all or nothing attitude and inevitable failure led to disempowerment and misery. I want my normal relationship with food back. I am going to eat healthy according to my definition. Lots of fruits, veggies, beans, whole graIns. Minimal dairy and soy. Minimal processed foods, including cereal to hummus to meat substitutes. And of course finding a way to eat all the foods i love in moderation. Most of all, i am going to listen to my body. I am going to take good care of my body. Sometimes that will mean igmoring my cunning brain. I know that most of us, including myself have an adverserial relatinsip with our bodies, but we can't fight them! They will win! Your brain can die completely but your body can continue to live. We are talking about a horrible quality of life here, but my point is that a strong body can outlive a brain anyday. They will win, and frankly they deserve better than to be abused with junk food, sedentary lifestyles and hate from their owners. Our bodies are complex beautiful machines. They deserve our ear, empathy and care. An abused body will behave as one. When our body responds to our abuse with diabetes or heart disease, we are outraged! But, what could we possibly expect when we have neglected to do right by our bodies, not acknowledged the importance of nourishing and loving them. I am making a commitment to give my body as much say as my brain as to how I operate.

Tonight i made a delicous breakfeast porridge To have in the morning. It can be served hot or cold.

1 cup,wheat berries
Splash vanilla extract
Tiny splash almomd extract
1/2? Cup of almond milk
Pinch of cardoman powder
Tiny pinch of nutmeg
Splash of honey
Small handful of almonds
Fruit

Boil the wheat berries and drain water.
Put wheat berries in food processor, add all ingredients except fruit, using more or less almond milk to get to your desired consistency. Add fresh fruit. Serve hot or chiled.

You will love yourself as you eat this. It's full of fiber, good fats, fresh fruit and will keep you full for a busy morning. It should also keep you regular. Enjoy!

No cigarettes today or yesterday. Skipped dessert last night. Housed three almond croissants today. Yum. Went to yoga class. You win some, you lose some.

Here's a picture of a sandwich my best friend made after repeated comments that her purse looked like lunch meat. She put it together at a New Year's party then camped out next to it waiting for someone to try and eat it. Some drunk guy made her night.

I quit caffeine over a week ago. I had enormous headaches for three days. In my online perusing I found that magnesium can be helpful, up to 2400 milligrams a day. We happened to have some calcium magnesium laying around (my husband uses it for insomnia). I took one pill in the morning, one at lunch and one at dinner time. NO HEADACHE! It was amazing. It could also have been the day that the headaches were going to stop, but I had such a huge headache the day before that I was expecting at least a little one.

My diet has been shit. SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR! Dairy!! AND I've been smoking cigarettes! What the hell? Who am I? Is this 1999? In any event, I've been trying to be kind with myself. I've been doing lots of yoga, focusing on self-love and mending broken relationships. Overall, it's been a good week. I'm also still eating a ton of vegetables and outside of cookies, avoiding gluten. But last night in a panic, I decided two things must go: Sugar and Cigarettes. It's hard to say which is grosser or which makes me feel more shitty. Away they must go! I hate them both so much. I don't like being bossed around by them. I want to be free!!!!!!

After yesterday's heartburn scare, I was afraid to take any caffeine pills at all. I had one cup of green tea instead and brought some back up bags to work with me. My heartburn was still pretty ferocious this morning, but tolerable. I decided I would do the Junger cleanse but make an exception for the prevacid. I was feeling great until about 1pm when an insane caffeine deprivation headache set in. It felt like the worst hangover ever without the nausea. I got myself home and into bed. The thought of cold cucumber soup felt all wrong, so I decided to put the cleanse on indefinite hold and make some heartburn friendly comfort food.I have two things to settle before this cleanse: Caffeine and heartburn. Caffeine is huge and so is this heartburn. Once I get these two under control I'll be in great shape to start the cleanse. My new goal is to have all my addictions under control by my 29th birthday on March 26th. So,

*No caffeine
*No dairy
*>75% raw
*No sugar

I've done everything but the caffeine with success in the past. Now, I just need to piece it all together. I'll get there! I'm going to be nice to myself in the process instead of begrudging myself for not getting it all done in one shot.

New Year

Last year we decided that New Years would be held on January 4th. It didn't seem fitting to start resolutions in the middle of New Year's weekend. Starting fresh on Monday seemed like a wiser idea, and it was. I went 365 days without drinking any my husband did 365 without smoking. Well, we each had one slip-up each, but 364 days is nothing to smirk at. So this year I decided that New Years would start on January 4th again. Only, now I fear it will have to start on January 5th.... Let me explain. I wanted to kick of this year with the Junger Cleanse. The junger cleanse is 21 days of no dairy, gluten, sugar, nightshade vegetables, corn and anything bad. Also, no prescription drugs, caffeine or alcohol. I'm sticking with the no alchohol thing, so that's easy. However, caffeine is a big vice of mine and I'm ready to examine the world without it, at least for a little while. Also, caffeine adds to the terrible heartburn that I've been pretending is no big deal because I don't want to have to face up to the fact that caffeine has to go. I've read that this cleanse gives you a big energy burst, so I thought it would be a fitting way to kick my caffeine habit and help start the year off right, dairy and sugar free. I decided that this was going to be a year I focus on mental health just as much as physical health. Quitting caffeine will improve my mental health by decreasing my anxiety and letting me get to know the me that exists underneath all my caffeination.

So, I got my juicer, bought some b complex vitamins and probiotics, went to yoga class, and made a delicious juice I couldn't drink. My heartburn was so bad today! I bought some traditional medicinal heartburn relief tea so that I wouldn't have to break the cleanse by taking Prevacid, but the tea only helped my acid stomach so long as nothing was in it. A sip of my awesome juice brought me right back to painful, acidy as hell stomach. !!?? So I popped two prevacid and ate some ricotta to coat my stomach. Cured! But completely screwed up the cleanse. So, tomorrow I will try again. I will succeed. I will cut my caffeine consumption in half tomorrow instead of waiting a week. New Years is now officially January 5th this year.

Mr. Spreadsheet

I got my first tattoo today. I was this close to leaving the parlor with nothing. But we made some adjustments to the design and I decided to go for it. I'd been so excited about it and knew it was just the jitters. It hurt in spots but was not as bad as I anticipated. It helped that the artist was chatty and able to distract me. I love it.

Today I decided to stop tracking my exercise and food. I have this elaborate spreadsheet that I've been using for the past 4 years. I posted a portion of it in an earlier post. I started it when I began running. It was a way for me to track my achievement and goals regarding miles and speed. It has evolved into...... a place where I obsess about unrealistic goals for food and exercise. It's no longer the spreadsheet I knew and love. Instead of being a place to reflect on my accomplishments it's a place where I document my continuous failures because I demand perfection of myself. It's the epicenter of an unhealthy preoccupation with exercise and food. So, no more for now. I know that I'll exercise because it makes me feel good and it's part of my lifestyle, and personality at this point. I know that I will not eat dairy or sugar because it's just not an option in my mind. I'll try to eat as healthily as I can, but indulge when I see fit. I'm interested in preparing more raw foods and I'll continue to work towards that goal. These are all things I know and don't need to write down. They are personal values.

So long Mr. spreadsheet. Today I leave you in the dust!!!!!!!!!!!!!