I am at a crossroads. I am really sick of quitting sugar. Should I quit quitting ? Attempt moderation? Stop believing my love affair with sugar is a problem?

I just don't know anymore.

Binge

Fell off the wagon last night. It started with dinner. Actually it started with work. I worked two night shifts in a row. The next day I slept for five hours and woke up comfortably tired. We went out to dinner. I ordered the wrong thing and felt unfulfilled. This was supposed to be my indulgent reward for hard work. We were walking down the street after dinner and we passed this beautiful bakery. Warm, inviting, decorated cakes in the window. Baskets of bread behind the counter. I had to just look. My husband knowingly followed me in. Before I knew it I had ordered two almond crispies (basically a giant cookie), coconut pinapple cake, chocolate cake and 1/2 pound of almond butter delicacies. And yes, with my husband, I ate it all. On the way home, at home, and finished the job this morning before I went for a run. Which led me to say screw it after the run and make my most delicious cookie to date: molasses, dried apricot and oatmeal with buckwheat flour. They were amazing, I ate 12.

More success

Last night I worked the overnight shift at the hospital. Needless to say, cookie making was not an option. Night time is not my problem when I work the graveyard shifts, it's the morning after that gets me. I come home exhausted and almost hallucinating. I love my job, but I often leave the floor with this feeling of "I didn't know I could do that". As in work that hard while being so tired, or simply be in some ridiculous situation that only nurses know about. So, I get home and I feel like I need to nurture myself. Self-care to this girl means desserts and carbs. Because I'm exhausted my judgment is impaired and I'll do things I wouldn't normally do at 8:30 in the morning.. Like make cookies or eat 5 bowls of cereal. This morning I ate one bowl of cereal and a nectarine, which is what I would normally eat for breakfast so I 'm happy with that. While I don't deserve 20 chocolate chip cookies after a hard night, a yummy breakfast is in order. Tonight back to the hospital. We'll see how tomorrow morning goes. On the second day I am usually more tired.

Last Night

Last night was a miracle. No sugar but I can't take full credit. I got in a fight with my husband and went on a sweaty walk. I was actually so irritated that I wasn't craving sugar. If I was sad or tired it could have been a different story. I can definitely be a emotional eater, just not an angry one. So, I went for a long walk to the capitol, got eaten alive by mosquitoes and stumbled upon a pat benatar cover band. Who needs cookies? I did have a revelation on my nighttime stroll. I thought about how I could write a book on how to beat a sugar addiction.

- Keep a food journal. Write down everything you eat, record how you feel before during and after.
- Do something different to occupy your time. Knit, sew, nurse a baby bird back to health.
- Recognize the activities you partake in while you are eating sugar. If you watch t.v. while eating sugar, try a new activity to relax.
- Do yoga, meditate.
- Drink lots of water.
- Remind yourself that the first 3-30 days are the hardest! The cravings will decrease!
- Write down your goal.
- Tell a friend about your goal.
- Don't tell a friend.
- Read a billion books on why sugar is the anti-christ. (I recommend "Skinny Bitch" and "In Defense of Food").
- Obtain a diagnosis of pre-diabetes to scare yourself away from sugar.
- Go to an island to do yoga and meditate for 8 hours a day, where there is no sugar because all of your meals are prepared for you.
- Eat baby carrots.
- Read the blogs of other sugar addicts
- Read Steve Pavlina's blog
- Throw away all the sugar items in your cabinets (I do this one about once a week)
- Pack your own lunch and bring snacks with you everywhere.
- Address any underlying mental illness (ie depression), and take antidepressants that do NOT stimulate appetite.

I have done all of the above. NONE OF THIS WORKS!!!!

But, I already knew that. The only way to beat any addiction is to first acknowledge the following:

You will have to bite your way through it. Fight your ass off. Sweat. Grin and bear it. Cry. Feel like crap. Feel alienated. Feel worthless. And, at the end of the day, trudge on through it. The only certainty is that there is none. And that is your only comfort. Once you accept these mantras, you are ready to proceed. Last night, I surrendered.